A Woman's Guide To Saner Living

Life is a mixed bag –even Santa’s

photo:  chris wucherer©
my Gson, Desi

Yesterday I was reflecting on this year’s bounty of the holiday season. My spirit and psyche were literally overflowing with love from friends and family.  My heart was touched so many times by the joy in the Gkidz faces when they opened their gifts or ate a homemade treat.  This year, before we opened gifts, I spoke to my family about what Christmas means to me, told each adult child and Gkid what special qualities they have and then we all listened to Seasons of Love, a song from the Broadway musical RENT.  When the song ended, the kids took turns saying why they really were at our house that day.  Was it for the gifts, the food, the love, all of it?  From youngest to oldest child, each in turn and in their own words, spoke about their need for family connection and their gratefulness for family traditions.  My heart warmed as the exhaustion of preparation lifted off of my body like a fog covering a beautiful landscape scene.

 

At our lake house a few days later, good friends from Ann Arbor drove four hours to spend a couple of days with us.  We ate well, hiked in the snow covered forest and along the shore of Lake Michigan, picking up interesting rocks and lake glass as we talked about all sorts of things.  Midway through the hike we stopped at the home of some ‘up north’ friends of ours, introduced everybody and then we all hiked together for a while.    At one point, my friend Jim said to me, as he bent over for the zillionth time to pick up a lake rock, “You know, even though life can be stressful, we have nothing to complain about.  This is all we need.  Life is good.” Once again, my heart filled with warmth as the wisdom of his words spread over my body like a steaming hot four shot decaf Americano, no room, from Starbucks.

 

Saturday night the lake house was full of 18 great friends, part of the new ‘tribe’ my husband and I are creating up north.  A spontaneous party of interesting, yet different folks who took an immediate liking to each other, was a wonderful validation that our two worlds were intersecting nicely.  It also confirmed that I have done a good job of weeding out ‘toxic’ people from my life, an often painful self-surgery, which never feels good in process.  It was fun watching inner-Divas emerge through the Kareoke machine.  Hot Rod Lincoln never sounded so, well, loud………..

 

While basking in the afterglow of this bounty, we received the news that our dear friend and caretaker of our lake house had a massive stroke and died on Christmas Day.  Wayne was only 53 years old and a wonderful human being.  We had literally just finished writing him a Christmas card in which we put his Christmas bonus, when we heard of his death.  His mother may not have enough money to bury him, so his Christmas gift will go towards that instead of a new fishing pole or some other gift he might have enjoyed.  As I passed by the kitchen counter last night, I saw the stark white envelope with his name written across it in black ink.  Even though I knew it contained a Christmas message of gratefulness and connection, my hand reached up and turned the envelope over, so his name was not visible; our loss was still too raw to comprehend. 

 

Life gives and life takes away.  How are you going to spend whatever amount of time you have on this earth?  Wayne has given me the gift of a sobering reminder to treat myself and others really well so each moment on this planet counts toward the greater good.  I had much bounty this Christmas, but also loss.  Bookends to what life is really all about.

 

Rest in peace, Wayne. We will miss you.  The world is short one more beautiful soul.  A loss none of us can afford.

Bah! Humbug! can herald new holiday traditions

Why questions are not helpful.  If you ask someone why they did something, their stock answer is often "I don't know".  In order to find out why we do certain things, or why something happened or why something is important to us we have to tap into our own private search engine and dig down deep to discern some useful answers.  This kind of personal search process can take a very long time.  I find it more useful to go with the investigative questions used by journalists; who, what, where and when.  Investigative questions seem to bring  action into life more quickly by developing story lines that fill in the gap, giving meaning to situations in a more timely manner. 

Yet, even though I know this to be true, I find myself asking why the Christmas holidays are so important to me, why is it so hard to let go of certain traditions, why do I yearn for lost or broken relationships this time of year?  Why does it bother me that the kids aren't that interested in decorating the Christmas tree?  One easy answer is that the media images of what the Christmas holidays are supposed to look like have been into seared into me like the comforting warmth of the sun on a hot summer day.  Another possible answer is that the younger parts of me are still clinging to some idealized version of the perfect family holiday.  Another contender is the cultural shaping I endure as a woman that puts me in the driver's seat of the magic bus that creates tradition and continuity for the family.  There are probably many more variables that contribute to the why disease.

This year, louder than ever, I can hear the rumblings of Bah! Humbug!.   So what if I don't make the usual stuffed shells smothered in spaghetti sauce that has cooked all day, filling the house with a smell that speaks of love and connection?  So what if I don't make three or four different kinds of chocolate truffles, that the Gkidz don't eat anyway?  So what if there aren't an even number of gifts for each kid?  So what if we don't have a big sit-down Christmas feast?

My Bah! Humbug! voice is the herald of more change. What do I want out of the holidays? So here at last come the investigative questions.  Truth be told, I want to know that the kids appreciate all the effort that goes into making the holidays special.  I want to be more included in the adult kid's lives. I want to know them as people.  I want to let go of some of my 'understanding nature' and be a bit more selfish.  I want the kids to be a bit less selfish. I want to feel as important as video games.  I want extended family to get along.  I want the feeling of what Christmas is supposed to be to last all year.  I want a Christmas year, not a Christmas day.  I want meaningful connections.  I want peace.  I want love.  I want this for everyone.

So, the reality is that the tree is decorated and looks awesome.  Some but not all of the Christmas decorations are displayed and look great.  The tree is overflowing with gifts.  Treats are being made.  We'll have a nice Christmas lunch buffet and play Pictionary and Cranium Family. 

I will let go of certain traditions this year and see what difference it makes for me and others.  I will learn what is important for me and perhaps other family members will learn what is most important for them.  It feels a little sad.  It feels right.  It feels less hectic.

Happy Holidays to you all!  And, may you find your personal holiday center just a bit more this year.

How to edit grievance stories for a happy ending

Do you have a grievance story?  You know, the story that runs around and around in your head about old hurts and old transgressions. Or perhaps, you have more than one grievance story that loops around inside your brain like a roller coaster on steroids.  It's not unusual to have more than one grievance story, as life can be long and treacherous.  Disappointments and aggravations can trip you up, like a branch fallen across a seemingly beautiful and peaceful path in the woods.  Grievance stories can take on a life of their own, developing into full blown screenplays, using plot devices and unsavory characters to further highlight all the ways a person or situation negatively impacted your life.

"I can't believe she did that to me."
"If only my parents weren't alcoholics."
"My partner had an affair and I will never forgive him/her."
"The economy is ruining my Christmas."
"I got passed over for a promotion, again."
"My ex is a jerk."
"I don't know why I had to get sick."

Get the picture?  Grievance stores are a boatload of negative energy and fuel for anger, anxiety and depression.  Grievance stories have the potential to ignite old stresses and tensions during the holiday season when expectations run high for storybook family and friendship gatherings.  This is a real downer and in my experience most people, despite the hurts and negative energy, truly want a happy life and joyous holidays.

So, what can you do about it?  Plenty!

Here are some Saner Living Tips to let go of your grievance stories:

When the grievance story starts tell it to stop, hit the road, leave town, it's not wanted anymore.

Take the grief out of grievance and grieve your losses, so you can let go of the past.  It's over.  Gone.  Fini. 
Recognize that at this point you are contributing to your own unhappiness by hanging on to the past. 
Understand and work with the idea that the only person you can change is yourself.
Create a holiday season that feels right and good for you.
If you are feeling sorry for yourself - stop it.

Life is a series of challenges and it's what we do with these challenges that matters. 

blog image: chris wucherer©